Facing Myself on Facebook – Part I: The Present

February 27, 2010 admin 22 comments

I have been wanting to write about Facebook for awhile, but have not been quite sure how to tackle it. Everyone has their own take on Facebook and no one denies what a huge impact it is having on our social discourse along with Twitter. What we don’t read about that much is the impact it has on each of us as individuals, so I have decided to explore that. Facebook has impacted how I deal with my past, how I live in my present, and how I face my future.

I will start with the present. In order to do so I need to share a little more about my past than I have before, and tell you about my friend David Nolan.

I first met David in the late 80’s – the third Saturday that Wetlands was opened to be precise, though I must admit to not remembering it directly. However, there was no way for us NOT to have met that night. The band I was managing, dreamspeak, was headlining. It was our first weekend NY headliner that included a real guarantee, and turned out to be the largest city club crowd we had played in front of to date. Afterward the entire staff, the band and I gathered at the bar and shared in some champagne to celebrate. We may have even met earlier, as I discovered a few years ago that he had in fact seen dreamspeak before that show and even taped them at a live show I produced in Tompkins Square Park back when the park had a bandshell and A LOT of homeless people. In short, we were in each other’s lives but not of each other’s lives.

Flash forward a few years and I leave NYC for the Bay Area. By the time I returned in 1999 the music business and I had separated for the last time. I settled into Jersey City and a new career as a Business Intelligence Professional (yes, an oxymoron three-way). I remained close to some people from my music days and before, but by that time had lost track of and touch with most of those I had known in the NY music scene, not to mention High School, College and various places of work. I made new friends in Jersey City and moved on with life.

Flash forward one final time to late summer of 2008. My sister had been bugging me for months about how I needed to get on Facebook, how she had reconnected with so many people. I was very wary of ‘social networking’. What about those people by whom I did not want to be found? What reminders might I face of things better left forgotten? The mid-nineties had been a very painful time in my life, and I was truly frightened of having to relive them. Eventually though curiosity and my inner geek got the best of me and I set myself up on Facebook. I started by connecting with people I was still connected with in the real world, but through their friend lists and group lists I quickly found myself reconnecting with people from the late 80s – early 90s NY music scene. This in turn lead me to a group centered around a bar that was the epicenter of my music scene back then – Nightingales – and thus to an actual ‘real world’ reunion of people from the Nightingale’s music scene being planned by a small group of people that included David Nolan.

I saw several people that night I had not seen in decades, and others that I had not met but heard of from others. It was a wonderful time. I spent most of the night talking to two people, David Nolan and one other I had done some work with but not known all that well named Michael Weiss. I had “friended” both of them in the month leading up to the reunion and enjoyed catching up online, so it seemed pretty natural to spend a lot of time talking to them. Eventually we said good night and went our separate ways.

But then something happened that would probably never have happened if not for Facebook; we continued our conversations. Through Facebook I got to know about Michael’s family, his MS and his leadership in the MS community (more on that in Part 2), even his unbelievably mellow dog. I became friends with his wife online and started conversing with her as well. At the same time I discovered that David Nolan and I had the same interest in current events and the minutiae of political process as well as very similar political and personal philosophies. We would each post stories of interest to us and then join the debates that would undoubtedly ensue as our Republican, Libertarian, and Neo-Con friends and acquaintances would join the fray. Unbeknown to them, we would often message each other privately to comment on some of the things being said or to make each other aware of a thread the other was not on when we needed ‘backup’. We introduced each other to people online, shared several laughs, and offered advice and support to each other when needed. Even though we would not be in the same room together again, we became good friends.

My friend David Nolan died Thursday night. He had a heart attack at the age of 48 and he was gone. I found out about it on Facebook Friday afternoon. It was the third death of a past or present friend that I have learned of on Facebook – one years after it happened, the other two within 24 hours. This one, however, felt different. David Nolan was not just in my life as he had been in the 80s, he had become of my life.

Now I find myself grieving, mourning the absence of someone whom, from a purely technical outlook, had not been ‘present’ since October of 2008. Over the course of the 10 hours since I learned of his death I have asked myself several questions. Is this normal? Do I have the right to consider him a good friend? Does it make sense that I am this upset?

I have accepted, in fact I know and feel to the core of my being, that the answer to all of the above is “yes”. Social networking has changed the ways in which we can be present in each others lives. Some argue that it is distancing – allowing us to interact with each other at arm’s length. In some cases that may be true. Yet it has also allowed us to become close to people we may never have had the chance to, or even have met, if not for it’s existence.

The online debates I joined in with David got me writing regularly and thoughtfully for the first time in years. As I expanded my Facebook world and became friends with a professional writer who encouraged me with his kind words about my comments I became inspired to start this blog. This blog, in turn, has expanded my horizons in terms of how I communicate and who I communicate with. While I do not publish as often as I should, this blog is one of the great joys of my life – and I doubt it would have happened if not for David Nolan.

David Nolan, without even sitting in the same room with me once in over 18 months you have helped me become something I have always wanted to be – a writer. I will miss you terribly. Rest In Peace.

Musings, Politics and Society none

#1 | Written by Doug Haxall about 14 years ago. Reply

Dave, In the 80’s and 90’s, I always noticed how once you finished a project with someone, be it high school, college, a job, or even a band, you typically went your separate ways and rarely ever saw or heard from the friend again, no matter how much you wanted to; no matter how deep you thought the friendship was. There was this certainty about endings – we all would pretend we would stay in touch, and we never would. I often wondered if the friendships were “real”, or just an accident of being in the same place at the same time.

The internet changed all of that for me. It started with email. All of a sudden I began finding people I hadn’t talked to you in years, and suddenly it was easier to do so. Nobody really wrote personal letters and stuck them in a post office box in our era – that was a vestige of my grandparents’ era… we were too busy. But email made it suddenly possible to reconnect. Facebook took this to a HUGE new level. It was a massive catalyst. I have gotten in touch with hundreds of friends from every stage of my life – literally all the way back to Kindergarten! Talkin’ four decades my friends!! People I NEVER would have hoped to find, given that I live at least 3,000 miles away from most of them now.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that I learned something – the friendships WERE real – they were not accidental. I have had so many friends from the past tell me how much they thought about me in the intervening period – should we call it the Dark Ages? – and truly, I had thought often of them as well. And when we DID reconnect on Facebook, it was like we were friends all over again – like when you go to your high school reunion and see your best friend from 25 years ago and it feels like not a single day has passed. I marvel at Facebook every single day.

I joined it on a lark – I got a call back in ’07 while at MBA school from a guy interested in having me build him a facebook app and I was like, “A what?” I didn’t take the gig, but I soon was discovering a whole new world.

Back in the ’90’s, Luke used to say that the browser was the killer app – the single thing that revolutionized the world and brought the internet to the masses. As true as that may be, the killer app of the 2000’s is Facebook. No doubt in my mind. It has changed everything. Just look at the 170-some members of the dreamspeak page… I built that on a lark, too, just as an experiment… now look! Look at the pictures of Suzy’s Sweet 16. Read Billy’s weekly letter. Read the refrigerator quotes! Read your tribute to David Nolan! Look at old pictures of Gregor! And then I get a chat request from Louise Forrest, or Dana Collins! Holy crap! We are all back together again!! How would this have ever been possible any other way? I marvel at it every day. I have deep respect for it – Viva Facebook!!!
- #2 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  I was thinking some more about your “dark ages ” comment this morning. When you think about it, “modern man” (for sake of argument, defining modern man as the last 250 – 300 years) has gone through 4 stages.
  
  In the first stage he moved very rarely, and when he did so he moved with his entire family/clan. People who were left behind were, quite literally, left behind. In this phase a great deal of letter writing centered around family, business trips that seperated one from a spouse for long periods of time, or people whom you had developed a deep connection with whosde company you could no longer enjoy.
  
  In the second phase, starting in the late 19th century and escalating through WW II, families started to relocate in pieces. Sometimes the husband would stay months or even years away from his family in order to be able to work, and send money back to the family along with letters. Also with the increase in war-related diasporas, writing became a way to try to find family members that you had become seperated from. It also became a way to expand a world that found itself starting to think internationally, via such things as “pen pals”.
  
  The third phase I would define as Post WW II until around the mid 80s. Two things happened in this period. One is that non-party-line telephone service became accesible and affordable to almost everyone. The second was as America grew into a corporate structure and racial tensions ebbed, white flight began and the suburbs grew. With this, of course, came the expansion of the middle class. This is our parents generation. They still wrote to friends who had gone seperate ways after college or to family who had married and moved elsewhere, but for the most part people still lived either in a city when they were young and moved to a nearby suburb as they got older, or grew up ina rural area and went looking for owrk in a city when they got older. These were relatively short distances and relatively infrequent moves so letter writing started to become a lost art.
  
  We are now at the tail end of the 4th stage. In this stage the technology center grew and corporations started to move employees off the books, using more contractors and consultings. The result was a generation much more likely to switch jobs, and locations, frequentl;y. This is our generation. Fortunately with thisd change also came the growth of email. Essentially still a letter, but one delivered with near-instant speed. We were all seperated but could choose to contact each other as we wanted. However this was still a manual process. Technology had not caught up with the virtual existance where one defines “home” in terms of people and not places.
  
  Facebook has changed that. We are now entering a new phase, a phase where we can move around constantly – even daily – and still be as aware of each other’s presence as if we were in the next room. You change your status and poof – all your friends know. You have something you want to tell everyone that is long form – write a note and tag people, or start a blog and post it to Facebook. Want to bring friends together in a common spac – start a group. In short, we finally have a virtual space in which to live our virtual existence. For all the talk of technology outpacing society, in many ways this is an example of technology catching up with society.
  
  In short, these communities never went away – someone had just burnt down the rec center. Facebook is our new local rec center, where we can come together to play, introduce people to our neighbors, watch each other’s children grow up, and commiserate when one of us looses someone close to us. It is a wonder.
  
  Viva Facebook!
#3 | Written by Michael Weiss about 14 years ago. Reply

I love Facebook…I think the nonsense is soothing, the political sparring is healthy (for the most part), the colliding of worlds is twilight zone-ish (Sandy Asirvatham and Dave Norman???), and most of all, the old friendships that have been given new life are a rebirth of sorts.

Your thoughts here are beautiful, Dave. Thanks.
- #4 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  Thank you Michael. Connecting with you, your family and your dog alone were worth the admission price. Oh wait, it’s free. 😉
#5 | Written by coolpolitealex about 14 years ago. Reply

what are friends, my friend,making contact in any way in this crazy world with anyone is hard enough ,if you felt he was a friend,my friend,he was a friend and he would have seen you as such,especially after your thoughtful post.
My best, my friend.
- #6 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  I know that he did. Thank you for the kind words.
#7 | Written by Rain about 14 years ago. Reply

I found myself having the very same conversation with a friend last night. How FB both connects and separates. How we feel so entrenched in each other’s lives, more so I believe, than we would ever get the chance to IRL. From the most mundane status updates to the heart-wrenching, FB allows us a peak into the lives of people we may just not have the time to stay fully connected to. I often see my adventures with FB less about “reconnecting” and more about meeting again, for the first time. It was like that with you, certainly. Our political back and forths, our dopey jokes and even dopier pictures, I mean, how else would I get to know and love you?
David and I had our on-line tension. Always quick with a retort, even faster with a link. We’d butt heads and I’d groan when I saw that he’d responded to a thread. But then I’d bump into him in the street, or at a show, and it was all smiles and hugs and howthehellareyas.
Because in real life, where it matters, we were friends, and with genuine respect and admiration.
I’m happy about my tubes and interwebs, I’m thankful for the algorithm that brought you to me. I’m thankful that I got to hang out with David on Tuesday and I’m thankful to hear your voice.
Love is love, we’re all a buncha hippies anyway, we know this to be true.
#8 | Written by Meg about 14 years ago. Reply

By the way, I think it’s a great tribute to your friend that you started writing. I think you’ve already answered your own question in that yes, it absolutely makes sense that his passing feels like such a tremendous loss to you–as it sounds like your friend gave you much in terms of friendship, support, and inspiration from your conversations/debate to be a writer.
#9 | Written by Allison Walling about 14 years ago. Reply

This was a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. Peace <3
#10 | Written by Sandy Asirvatham about 14 years ago. Reply

David, first of all, my sympathies. I read the piece about him in Relix and it’s obvious he was a deeply loved person who will be missed by many.

Second of all—YES. Facebook has its shallow aspects and its surprisingly deep ones, just as friendship and social life in general can be shallow at times and surprisingly deep at others. It is a rare good thing in anyone’s life to have a real friendship from time to time, no matter how or through which medium.

Third—as someone who has been a writer all my life, the way other people are breathers and eaters, I congratulate you and welcome you to the fold. 🙂 It’s obvious from this lovely piece that you are doing what you’re meant to do. Be warned, though, once you are in, you are in forever. I once tried to escape my fate as a writer by becoming (of all cockamamie things) a working jazz pianist. And on some level, it worked, because it turns out that I’m almost as much an improvisor as other people are breathers and eaters.

Still….if you are a writer, you can never not be a writer, even if you started late or stopped early. And by “you,” I mean….YOU. Keep writing and we will keep reading.
- #11 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  Thank you Sandy for the kind thoughts. I am far from taking the plunge into being a professional writer – in fact I most likely will never take that plunge. However, writing as a form of expression and release was very important to me when I was younger, and i am overjoyed to have rediscovered it. You are correct – once you are a writer you are a writer for life. In the decades between my writing regularly I was always thinking about writing something – often even starting a piece in my head. I even co-wrote a screenplay with a friend of mine a few years back. Facebook reminded me of that joy and thanks to two friends, David Nolan and Mark Kemp, I have begun to rediscover my “voice”.
  
  Thanks again for the encouragement.
  
  – David
#12 | Written by Dawn Caceres about 14 years ago. Reply

It is really wonderful that we are on board with such valuable new electronic trends and up to date social and professional networking avenues. Facebook is a great tool to become connected, get reconnected and stay connected with people from all walks of life whether they are your friends, family, college classmates, professional colleagues, past and present acquaintances. I 100% agree with the feelings you are experiencing, David. I too am happy about all of the connections Facebook has allowed me to explore and nurture. It is strange and new but nonetheless I enjoy it very much. Please know that I am sorry about your loss of a great friend but that I am happy you got to share some experiences and valuable time. Thank you for sharing the online friendship you had with David Nolan. May he Rest in Peace.
#13 | Written by 'Rent about 14 years ago. Reply

Sorry to hear of your loss. A beautiful reverie to friendship, reconnection and
the relevance of Facebook to you
#14 | Written by dug about 14 years ago. Reply

right on
well said
peace
#15 | Written by Amy H about 14 years ago. Reply

This is something I’ve thought a lot about, the whole facebook thing and what it really does for me. I know that some people do not get it and that is fine. But for me, it’s been the only way for me to connect to past friends and even new ones, ones that I may never meet in person, but they still mean a great deal to me. I enjoy your writing and I admire the way you allow your feelings and thoughts to flow. You inspire me, David!

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, but I am happy for you that you had the chance to reconnect with him in the way you did.
#16 | Written by Meg about 14 years ago. Reply

I’m sure that resonates with many of us. I similarly recently learned of the sudden death of a college classmate via Facebook, but not someone I had connected with as closely as you had with your friend David. It did, however, then led to me catching up with an old friend who had reached out to share the tragic news who I had not heard from in years, and I think it’s likely to keep us more closely in touch in the years to come. Conversations like those you had with your friend were clearly very meaningful whether online, over the phone or in person–I think friendship can take many forms.

It’s been wonderful to catch up with friends from the past–but also from the present, too. As a parent, I feel more connected with my other “local” friends in Rockville, DC, etc because we don’t have the opportunity to hang out in person as much as we like due to our busy schedules with kids–so when the grownups do finally get together, I feel like the time apart has not been so great, because I know what’s been going on in their day-to-day lives inbetween visits, thanks to FB. The same things with out-of-town friends and family–it may be the little minutiae of our days that gets shared, but add all that up and you feel more in touch over time.

I’ve also enjoyed connecting on with family members and cousins, even relatives in Norway and it still blows my mind that I can use Google translate to get a rough idea of what they are writing in Norwegian! A friend who is living in Hong Kong for a few years announced that she was expecting a baby on FB last year and was immediately showered with warm “virtual” congratulations from friends around the globe. In the year since then, I’ve seen many pictures of her daughter and watched her “grow” so it’s not such the occasional holiday card snapshot, but more frequent updates. When they return to the US, her new daughter will already seem familiar! From FB postings and photos and her blog, I’ve also learned a lot more about Hong Kong and what it looks like and what it’s like to live there than I would have gotten out of a book, magazine article or television show.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this–likewise, it has been wonderful to reconnect with old North Shore friends like you and Blanche, to learn more about all your lives today and get to know you via a new medium.
#17 | Written by DJDawson about 14 years ago. Reply

David,

Your writing went through me like an electric current. When the eight paragraph began I burst into tears, and sit here now, crying for the loss of your good and real, genuine friend.

I am so sorry. But, I am glad you allow yourself to move from ‘virtual’ to ‘reality’ because of your own heart and intuition. Yes, he was a real friend, as you say, of your life.

You are in my thoughts and, again, sincerest condolences for the loss of your friend.

Peace
♥
#18 | Written by Jennifer about 14 years ago. Reply

Beautiful post Dave. My condolences and an very warm hug to you.
#19 | Written by Tanya about 14 years ago. Reply

David, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

I have often thought about the community-at-a-distance that is facebook, from a somewhat different perspective. I have reconnected to very few people from my past in this way, partly because I/we are a generation older than you, partly because my past is, well, much more past. Sometimes I feel relieved that this is so, sometimes I wish it were more available to me.

Thanks for your thoughtful writing.
- #20 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  “Sometimes I feel relieved that this is so, sometimes I wish it were more available to me. ” – A feeling I understand very well, and will write about in Part 3.
#21 | Written by Trish S. about 14 years ago. Reply

Thank you, Dave, for broaching this strange subject, the Facebook thing. I like that you are brave this way right now, though maybe this moment demanded it from you, even gave you a chance to say these important things from your heart, without pretense, which is the best kind of writing.
- #22 | Written by David Norman about 14 years ago. Reply
  
  Thank you.

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